She Moves

She moves to the beating of the drum; she moves. While seagulls dance- playing catch as the call of their instincts take over...making music as they leap over watery skies; she moves.
The music halts. And she moves.

And as the music smiles... and lingers in her doorways playing catch, she swivels, in one poignant turn of grace, palm in palm, eyes closed, sliding slowly into the earth, in sweet, incoherent surrender. The unsettling corridors of her mind shift and oscillate in nauseating repetition...

While with open eyes, she tries, sometimes, to speak; healthy others miss the signs.
Then the violin begins its stormy cry, bringing music to her silence with their notes...the distant drums slowly catch on, and the emptiness leaves.

She mingles quietly, smiling now, hiding now. Looking on, as the world bustles by.
Something fills the bright morning air, with banter, footsteps, and the clock quietly ticking forward. Something fills the bright morning air, just as vacancy fills her night.

But the fire burning beside a gentle stream, somewhere, where dreams come true, let her dive, into few ghostly hours of nothing. The rhythm of the night takes over, hyptonizing her yet again, with cheeky promises of a tomorrow she well knows is only another page blown by the wind, one she never could catch before. She knows. And yet she moves, sinfully playing with the music of life. Letting the chords be fooled, by her feigned oblivion.

She may not see the grids on the map. But she knows how this song will end. And yet, she moves.

...

I learned today that I can't change the world. And that sometimes people can be very hurtful.
What people have to say has never troubled me. But what hurt today was seeing how some people think... and I wonder how many others think the same way. I don't like how much this is troubling me. I've never cared about the world. So why now?

Today.

This world and I are strangers. I don't know it. And it doesn't know me.
I think I'll end up a documentary some day... the sad kind... with all these people with something to say about me, but not one of them who really ever knew me.
Today was a difficult day...
Though I know I can't change the world... I don't know... today was just a difficult day.

...

Letting the silence take over again. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

This I'd Like to See

There's so much I can't control. I've always been in close uncomfortable corridors of intimacy with the concept of  "there's nothing you can do". This statement and statements of the like pierce through me like ice cold knives of truth, and a feeling of overwhelming loss.

I don't like that there are things, lots of things that I can't control. I don't like having to start over. And I don't like sitting on the edge, dilated eyes and tensed, marred by the sorrowful truth of existence, that some things, most things, so many things, are out of my control.

If I could change one thing, I would do it, without a second thought. And the irony is, that it isn't even for me.
Life is chatoyant. It changes in lustre and colour. constantly merging into new shades of crimson and black and subtle pinks. Life is scary. And even though, I have John Mayer here, promising me as I write, to try and transpose the heavy queasy lump in my chest onto this blog, John Mayer sings along to me, promising me that he "knows, the heart of life is good." I don't doubt his loving conviction, I can almost feel fond feelings for life when I hear that, but truth remains, a good heart or not, life frightens me.

It frightens me with tomorrow. Because I don't like hope, hope is vacant and vapid in my world. It's a crude joke and a heavy reminder of my helplessness, hope is a mockery; a smug emotion that I feel involuntarily. Hope is almost evil, with its untamed falsehood. 
I know the world would beg to differ. But that doesn't change a thing.

I know life goes on, but what frightens me about tomorrow, is living with the loss of today. All these lessons and all this pain that life throws at you, is what you carry tomorrow. And so I fear.

I fear what I have to leave behind. I fear how I cannot change somethings. And I fear how this hope I carry with me is going to come crashing down soon, and how I'm going to react to it.

I know I'll carry on, but I'll be the sum of all these things, my heart desired, but life took away.

John Mayer reassures me, that "fear is a word misunderstood," and he "knows the heart of life is good."

This I'd like to see.

Wtf! Why is everyone I know getting married?

I'm not against wedded bliss. I really am not. Sure I don't think badly of that major plunge people like to take, changing life as they know it ...for good. I don't mind that really. Just that I haven't found someone to convince me that it's really worth taking that plunge yet.

But that's not what this is about. This is about everyone I know, getting hitched...

I stumbled upon some wedding pictures of a junior from college. She looked very hot in her wedding gown, I've got to give her that. But looking at that, sort of led me to the edge. I've been to three weddings in a span of a few weeks and heard of a hundred more. Why is everyone getting married? Now that I'm saying it out.. it seems like an incredibly silly question to ask...so I scan through my list on google talk, find the one person I know who'd get exactly what Im thinking and go "dude- wtf! Why's everyone I know getting married!" To which I got my most comforting response- "I knowwwww!!!!!" Sighh....

Tis freaky... this whole getting married thing. Tis freaky on two levels.
One: It's just pure unadulterated freaky shit, I do not have good examples to go by on this whole wedding thing. So what if that by virtue of experience, makes me "doomed for failure"? I would never know until I do it, and then.. do I really want to know how much I suck at being married after I'm married? Ya see.. that be some freaky shit right there.

And then there's this other level.. one more real. What if, you never find that person, that one person who fits. And as I stated before, *convinces* you that well yeah.. you don't want to run anymore. What if that never happens?

See because it's not about the cakes and the noise on the day of the wedding, it's about what happens after. NO not immediately after, but after all the noise subsides, and after all the people leave. And there, right there, is where this person and all of it has to fit.
What if that fit never happens, and you have to settle?

I don't even know what I'm saying quite honestly. All these wedding pictures, and wedding food is messing with my brain.  I don't know what I want, but I'll know when I see it??? And until then I say- Fuck That Shit.

Over Dictatorship and Coffee

I have never had much to say. All the things I have to say are usually speeding past in my mind, and I don't think anyone could keep up anyway, so on a general everyday basis, I choose to keep quiet.

But off late, the universe has played this dirty little trick on me, urging me to make up for all my anti-social behavior by crossing my path with someone who doesn't have much they'd like to share with the entire world either [or so it seems]. See that works just fine with me, I like quiet. So long as no one's trying to shatter the bliss that silence and I share, with their incessant yakking, I'm good.
But what now when my drudge-y  feet have led me to this other human being, sharing planet earth with me, also unwilling to talk. And this ridiculously un-understandable need from within this solitary head of mine, to converse with this very individual.
"Why god why!!!" I ask myself with emphatic exaggeration. And God simply laughs.

So there I am, with my lots to say -but nothing you may want to hear anyway- self, in this odd new situation that I've found myself in- vis a vis: actually wanting to talk to someone.

Of course I failed. And miserably at that. See this kind of maneuvering needs practice. You have got to have a strategy to make something like this work. And that is one place I lose out on.  If I ask myself, how would I make me talk? The only thing I can think of is- I'd leave me alone. Golden.

This now brings me to a moment of silence, I honestly feel a little sad for anyone who has ever tried to have a conversation with me. I now understand how you may have felt. And I'm sorry.
And therefore, I am led to my zippy new, new year's resolution- Talk to everyone who wants to talk to me.
Okay good, so that's one lesson learned. But that still leaves me with my little problem here. How do you crack this code? To get someone so overtly quiet, to respond.

So I try again, because *somehow* this stupid me -who I was hoping to leave behind in good ol 2010,  managed to slowly slip right into 2011 too- and doesn't want to give up. I mean I'm queen of giving up for crying out loud, there is not one thing in the history of this very chaotic life that I have lived so far that can stand testimony to my perseverance. I give up, it's what I *dooo*.. it's one of  my *things*, then why in tarnation can I not give this one up?
I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
****
And then it happened, with my new found sense of keen persistence, and lots of patience: a cup of coffee and conversation with the person who can maybe even beat me in this whole not talking thing. I have finally met my match. And though I dreaded the silence, I braved forth swearing to god and all things living, that I would make the most of my measly one hour and coffee.
And what do you know- we actually talked. For the first time, it almost seems as though this curious other who lives on planet earth with me, wants to know what I have to say. Okay so I'm surprised. Shocked, among other things.
But still acutely aware that this is one tough cookie to crack.
And so. over badly made cold coffee that was supposed to be chocolate flavoured in the first place, some evidently bad smoked chicken, cigarettes and a quirky deceleration of a lack of faith in democracy; we made some good conversation this being and I. Amidst their love for dictatorship, and my idealistic-give everyone a chance rant, talk happened.

What I don't know now, is if it will happen again. I wasn't just kidding when I said this one was one tough cookie. I don't know if I should keep trying, or let the silence that keeps me miles apart from the world, fill up this little opening too.

I'm going to let time answer that. But truth be told, I don't want silence this time.

If I Could...This Christmas

Christmas has always been my favourite season.  There is nothing like the cheer, the cold warmth and the spirit of Christmas. Christmas to me isn't about the Birth of Christ. It has nothing to do with Christ and Christianity for me.

Christmas for me, is about Santa Claus and the promise of goodness. About five year old me, sitting on my bed at night telling Santa with all my heart, that I was a little naughty, but I promise I've been good too. Christmas is the perfect way to end the year, and start the new a few days later. It means carols and singing, chocolates and friends, cakes and rum, wine and cheese and so much cheer.
The air around Christmas is different. It's sweet and almost candy flavoured, and if you listen close enough, I swear you hear the bells ringing!

If I could, make a wish this Christmas, then I do. And while the contents of that wish lie between the Universe and I [and well, a few privileged others] I blow out my wish, into the candy flavoured Christmas air this year, and as I see it travel with my chocolate truffle-ed eyes I hope that this time around, Santa really comes to my rescue.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

On Goodbyes... This One Last Time

I have had the fortune and misfortune of finding myself in a lot of things. Things I've loved. Things I've found myself trapped and choice-less in. And things that I have wished, and wished with all my heart to capture into little balls of timeless pleasure, that I can keep for myself. Always.
But I've had to let go of each of those things, only to have them tucked away in my mind, for solitary viewing. When the world gives up and leaves me out; thinking me walled in and impenetrable- I have my little memories, only for private viewing. 
From the bad situations, I have always found a way, and if nothing, I've found a rope strong enough to hold on to while the tumultuous seas of misfortune throw me around, lashing me about life, seeing just how much more I can take.

***
It's time for another set of goodbyes. To something I fell in love with. I don't know what it was about this place that had me swoon from the very first day. But slowly... I feel in love. With my little window in the corner, the sun dropping in to say hello, and that little open sky that promised me my flight.  I fell in love... and somehow, I can't put a finger on what it was anymore. It must've been the people. Or just everything about this place. All I remember is thinking- "God... I know this is too good to be true for me. C'mon, tell me, what dirty little surprise do you have in store?"
And to what was, in retrospect, no surprise at all, time came, for another round of goodbyes. To my little window in the corner, and to the people I've met.
***
This year has been a year of change. From the lost recluse, to a more comfortable one. From refusing to conform, to slowly accepting a more revised means to not conform. From shallow promises to finding the courage to be true to myself.  From refusing to accept pretense, to sticking the finger when it really mattered.

To learning to say NO when I really mean it. and most importantly, from just hoping, to doing something about it. 

I found the one thing that I had been searching for all along, this year. And I found the courage to do somehting about it. I know, and yet I still don't know how this pursuit will end, but something has happened, somewhere in the magic of the stars that has brought me here, and I will try, with every ounce of try left in me, hoping, with glazed eyes, a palpitating heart, and cold nervous fingers, that that something that I found this year, will relent, and just let me in.


And in all the hoping and trying, this year has given me the courage yet again to accept, that though I've finally found my something, my somehting may well not let me in after all.

This year has left me a light and sketchy frame of the year that could be. What could well be just a mirage in this sunny, desert that I have found myself in. But with the comfort of strength, from the strangest places, and from the places that I turn to as well.  


This year managed to shake me up and land the seed of change, deep deep inside of me. And as I sit here, for the last time today, never again to walk these steps, and hear these voices.  By my little window, in the place that I love, in the place that led me to find the one thing I had been waiting for my life, I say goodbye to this year for being as painfully sweet as it has been.

You've given me a lot, and I have taken much more from you. And if given a choice, I would want some things done differently, but choice is something I lack, just like I do time. The only choice you give me, Year after Year, is to choose my lessons or stay put.
Well I've picked the lessons I'd like to carry forward, and though you've been this bitter sweet to me 2010, I ask just one more thing of you- tell me you were real. Though I'm aware of the hopeless dreamer that I've turned into... Just tell me you were real, and what I've found is just as real too.

The Thing Is

*********
See the thing about the future is, that it's going to happen. Whether you like it or not, like the infant at home that looks like an angel while asleep, but you know, oh yes you do, that when it wakes up, there's going to be lots of wailing.

That's just how the future is, it is going to happen.

And in this great happening of the future that is underway, a lot of time gets spent in hoping that things go according to plan. But that's just the thing about plans, they're like rules. Not meant to happen. Plans are like the time table you may have made a little before every exam, breaking your day down into coupled hours of pure dedicated studies, those time tables that you may have spent so much time on, only to make sure it was neat, organized, and for some of us here, pretty looking too. That time table, that took over a nice proud place on your wall, made you feeling kicked at your awesome skills at not only nice looking time tables but man- the organization- par excellence.
And we all know what happened to the Time Table year after year, college after college until we finally got the courage to admit to ourselves, that there wasn't any point fooling ourselves any longer.

I have honestly lost focus of what I was trying to say here. Aye.

So the thing about the Future is, that it is going to happen. And regardless of how it turns out, I have come to love a simple little fact, that while some things are not in our control [like how this great and mysterious future (that has now taken the form of a very smokey, adrenaline junkie like Evel Knievel) turns out], what we CAN do is, give it all we got. I've heard it a lot before, but never really tried, because I took the liberty to assume that since "everybody's saying it" it must just be a fad :) Well no that's not true, I guess, the thing with giving something all you've got, is that it's a scary thought, because it could still lead to disappointment.
But here's what I'm thinking, you can never tell how much you should invest on something or someone, how much of your time, how much of your effort, you'll never know, but at least, you'll never wonder "What If".
"What If" is a real pain in the posterior when you can look at yourself in the mirror and say  "God damn you! YOU never tried enough! Now look what happened!"

So there's something that I've found that's got me thinking about the "giving it my all" bit.  And boy, am I trying. I don't know how it's going to go, and from the looks of it, I'm going to need a lot of time with friends and a lot of alcohol to get over this, but I'm giving it, and I'm giving it my all, just so I never have to wonder over quiet musings, "what if I had done a little more". And just so I can look at myself in the mirror and go "Babe... you got it down!"

Though I know I'm charging relentlessly for an abominable, apocalyptic-esque  failure, I chant my New Mantra in my very rusty Deutsch- zumindest werde ich nie Wunder, "was, wenn"
At Least I'll Never Wonder "What IF"

Eat Pray Love Indeed.

I despise change. I'm the girl with memorabilia stuffed into her cupboard. The girl who has to go through boxes and boxes of things she's never looked at, but kept safe. Dusty. But safe. I have doodles from school, silly little notes sent from friends, birthday cards from people I never expected them from.  And that's only the beginning.

It has never bothered me until recently, this holding on to little pieces of my past, that I never really enjoyed in the first place. So Why do I do it? Because I hate change. Somewhere along the line, I found that holding on to these worthless fragments of things and people that aren't even a part of my life anymore, I could probably hold to the girl I used to be. See because all through life, I've been longing for totems; something that helps me cling on to that dwindling sense of me, and what better way than to hold to these mnemonics from the past, just to know that I am real.

Who knows, I could wake up one day, and things could be different. Maybe, I perceive the world as it is now, and what I see, isn't real. Who knows? And who can tell me it is? I don't know.

The thing is, that I don't know a lot of things anymore. And the recent bout of change that has taken over my life has left me panicking. And for the first time in my life, I didn't know if I'd come out alright. Sure I knew I'd get by, but I didn't know if I'd make it. And that's the thing about change I hate- that I cannot control it.
The last few months have been a whirlwind of change and don't kid me by telling me "change is good". Change isn't good, I have always said it and still do, change isn't good. It's just that we find a way to squiggle our way out of it and make it good because we don't bloody like discomfort.
 
What I've realised though, is how we bounce back. As people. It's fascinating. This time around, I had a word with fate telling her to take her best shot because I wasn't about to bounce back. But the freaking bouncing back happens on it's own and all I could say was "well okay.. bring it on.. I kind of like this feeling".

So here I am, certainly not the person I was. Still weaving out new layers of the person that I am today; and the silk doesn't seem like it's going to run out any time soon. What I am, is here, right now, still so utterly clueless on the "where" and "hows" that I never liked thinking about. What I am, is letting go, of all the old notes and cards and books stashed away in my closet, because in my feeble attempts to hold on to that girl, I seem to have lost track on the one right here, with me.
So I delve deeper now, letting go each rope after rope of inconsequential details that cannot matter today. I let go, and as I hear the rope snap, I feel release. The chords have played themselves out, and are now snapping, and it's okay. There's nothing to lose, in what I've already lost in a yesterday I cannot relive.  So I let go. And slowly give in to that fact, that try as I may, my totems are of no avail, because the harder I cling on to time, the faster she slips away.

So I hold on, just enough and no more. Shortening the gaze that looks back in desperation. I hold on, just enough and no more, slowing down my beats, and in effect, slowing down my Time.