Eat Pray Love Indeed.

I despise change. I'm the girl with memorabilia stuffed into her cupboard. The girl who has to go through boxes and boxes of things she's never looked at, but kept safe. Dusty. But safe. I have doodles from school, silly little notes sent from friends, birthday cards from people I never expected them from.  And that's only the beginning.

It has never bothered me until recently, this holding on to little pieces of my past, that I never really enjoyed in the first place. So Why do I do it? Because I hate change. Somewhere along the line, I found that holding on to these worthless fragments of things and people that aren't even a part of my life anymore, I could probably hold to the girl I used to be. See because all through life, I've been longing for totems; something that helps me cling on to that dwindling sense of me, and what better way than to hold to these mnemonics from the past, just to know that I am real.

Who knows, I could wake up one day, and things could be different. Maybe, I perceive the world as it is now, and what I see, isn't real. Who knows? And who can tell me it is? I don't know.

The thing is, that I don't know a lot of things anymore. And the recent bout of change that has taken over my life has left me panicking. And for the first time in my life, I didn't know if I'd come out alright. Sure I knew I'd get by, but I didn't know if I'd make it. And that's the thing about change I hate- that I cannot control it.
The last few months have been a whirlwind of change and don't kid me by telling me "change is good". Change isn't good, I have always said it and still do, change isn't good. It's just that we find a way to squiggle our way out of it and make it good because we don't bloody like discomfort.
 
What I've realised though, is how we bounce back. As people. It's fascinating. This time around, I had a word with fate telling her to take her best shot because I wasn't about to bounce back. But the freaking bouncing back happens on it's own and all I could say was "well okay.. bring it on.. I kind of like this feeling".

So here I am, certainly not the person I was. Still weaving out new layers of the person that I am today; and the silk doesn't seem like it's going to run out any time soon. What I am, is here, right now, still so utterly clueless on the "where" and "hows" that I never liked thinking about. What I am, is letting go, of all the old notes and cards and books stashed away in my closet, because in my feeble attempts to hold on to that girl, I seem to have lost track on the one right here, with me.
So I delve deeper now, letting go each rope after rope of inconsequential details that cannot matter today. I let go, and as I hear the rope snap, I feel release. The chords have played themselves out, and are now snapping, and it's okay. There's nothing to lose, in what I've already lost in a yesterday I cannot relive.  So I let go. And slowly give in to that fact, that try as I may, my totems are of no avail, because the harder I cling on to time, the faster she slips away.

So I hold on, just enough and no more. Shortening the gaze that looks back in desperation. I hold on, just enough and no more, slowing down my beats, and in effect, slowing down my Time.