This I'd Like to See

There's so much I can't control. I've always been in close uncomfortable corridors of intimacy with the concept of  "there's nothing you can do". This statement and statements of the like pierce through me like ice cold knives of truth, and a feeling of overwhelming loss.

I don't like that there are things, lots of things that I can't control. I don't like having to start over. And I don't like sitting on the edge, dilated eyes and tensed, marred by the sorrowful truth of existence, that some things, most things, so many things, are out of my control.

If I could change one thing, I would do it, without a second thought. And the irony is, that it isn't even for me.
Life is chatoyant. It changes in lustre and colour. constantly merging into new shades of crimson and black and subtle pinks. Life is scary. And even though, I have John Mayer here, promising me as I write, to try and transpose the heavy queasy lump in my chest onto this blog, John Mayer sings along to me, promising me that he "knows, the heart of life is good." I don't doubt his loving conviction, I can almost feel fond feelings for life when I hear that, but truth remains, a good heart or not, life frightens me.

It frightens me with tomorrow. Because I don't like hope, hope is vacant and vapid in my world. It's a crude joke and a heavy reminder of my helplessness, hope is a mockery; a smug emotion that I feel involuntarily. Hope is almost evil, with its untamed falsehood. 
I know the world would beg to differ. But that doesn't change a thing.

I know life goes on, but what frightens me about tomorrow, is living with the loss of today. All these lessons and all this pain that life throws at you, is what you carry tomorrow. And so I fear.

I fear what I have to leave behind. I fear how I cannot change somethings. And I fear how this hope I carry with me is going to come crashing down soon, and how I'm going to react to it.

I know I'll carry on, but I'll be the sum of all these things, my heart desired, but life took away.

John Mayer reassures me, that "fear is a word misunderstood," and he "knows the heart of life is good."

This I'd like to see.