On Goodbyes... This One Last Time

I have had the fortune and misfortune of finding myself in a lot of things. Things I've loved. Things I've found myself trapped and choice-less in. And things that I have wished, and wished with all my heart to capture into little balls of timeless pleasure, that I can keep for myself. Always.
But I've had to let go of each of those things, only to have them tucked away in my mind, for solitary viewing. When the world gives up and leaves me out; thinking me walled in and impenetrable- I have my little memories, only for private viewing. 
From the bad situations, I have always found a way, and if nothing, I've found a rope strong enough to hold on to while the tumultuous seas of misfortune throw me around, lashing me about life, seeing just how much more I can take.

***
It's time for another set of goodbyes. To something I fell in love with. I don't know what it was about this place that had me swoon from the very first day. But slowly... I feel in love. With my little window in the corner, the sun dropping in to say hello, and that little open sky that promised me my flight.  I fell in love... and somehow, I can't put a finger on what it was anymore. It must've been the people. Or just everything about this place. All I remember is thinking- "God... I know this is too good to be true for me. C'mon, tell me, what dirty little surprise do you have in store?"
And to what was, in retrospect, no surprise at all, time came, for another round of goodbyes. To my little window in the corner, and to the people I've met.
***
This year has been a year of change. From the lost recluse, to a more comfortable one. From refusing to conform, to slowly accepting a more revised means to not conform. From shallow promises to finding the courage to be true to myself.  From refusing to accept pretense, to sticking the finger when it really mattered.

To learning to say NO when I really mean it. and most importantly, from just hoping, to doing something about it. 

I found the one thing that I had been searching for all along, this year. And I found the courage to do somehting about it. I know, and yet I still don't know how this pursuit will end, but something has happened, somewhere in the magic of the stars that has brought me here, and I will try, with every ounce of try left in me, hoping, with glazed eyes, a palpitating heart, and cold nervous fingers, that that something that I found this year, will relent, and just let me in.


And in all the hoping and trying, this year has given me the courage yet again to accept, that though I've finally found my something, my somehting may well not let me in after all.

This year has left me a light and sketchy frame of the year that could be. What could well be just a mirage in this sunny, desert that I have found myself in. But with the comfort of strength, from the strangest places, and from the places that I turn to as well.  


This year managed to shake me up and land the seed of change, deep deep inside of me. And as I sit here, for the last time today, never again to walk these steps, and hear these voices.  By my little window, in the place that I love, in the place that led me to find the one thing I had been waiting for my life, I say goodbye to this year for being as painfully sweet as it has been.

You've given me a lot, and I have taken much more from you. And if given a choice, I would want some things done differently, but choice is something I lack, just like I do time. The only choice you give me, Year after Year, is to choose my lessons or stay put.
Well I've picked the lessons I'd like to carry forward, and though you've been this bitter sweet to me 2010, I ask just one more thing of you- tell me you were real. Though I'm aware of the hopeless dreamer that I've turned into... Just tell me you were real, and what I've found is just as real too.