Standing casually by the side of a car I don't even notice. Whining, waiting for the love of my life to come out. Lean my hand onto the hood of the car and boom. I could be dead.
It could happen anywhere. At anytime.
And that's the life I lead. Life you call it? Can I share these thoughts with anyone? Not really. I have already been termed excessively paranoid. But really, it could be anything.
'Your every thought has a consequence, your every thought has a consequence' I keep telling myself that so many times that it doesn't matter anymore. Who do I blame for that?
The religion that blinds. Poverty. Money. Or man and literature. Who do I blame?
As I wait for Nikhil to come out of the store, now hyper ventilating inside, I try real hard to wash these feelings away. Shrug them off like a dog shaking off or straightening up his coat. A turn of the head-ears start flapping- head oscillating, movement passing on to neck-center and finally released in one last freeing shake off the tail. And voila, my thoughts gone.
But it doesn't happen. I retardedly start to sing instead. Nikhil doesn't notice my agony still talking to a friend inside, but the people walking around sure do. "I want to break free!" I don't just sing, I sing like I mean it. Of course I do. "I want to break free from your lies!" Bobbing my head from side to side, my lips accentuating each word. I am Queen now. For that one retarded moment.
Something, anything to make these thoughts go away. Bobbing bobbing I notice something far away on the divider of a busy road. A bag. My heart leaps right onto a third beat, over and over again. 'Why isn't anyone else noticing this?!' I thought frantically. 'Argh! Nikhil! Come!!' If only he could hear the chaos in my head. The alarms ringing loud, bells being rung and self preservation quickly and swiftly creating adrenalin in me, my body was ready to flee. Only, not without him!
'I want to break free'. 'I want to break free' . Okay song not working, next change..next change damn it! Someone passed by me and coughed, I stopped breathing, if it's swine flu, it's not coming close to me. No sirree.
Could this be for real? This the culmination of all these years of my life? Could I be a victim of all my fears? Yes, indeed I could.
Because really, it could happen anywhere. And I'd be forced to leave all this behind.
Nikhil hops out of the store, filled with life and so much sport. I almost envy him. Why couldn't I be different? Even a degree different would be better.
'Your every thought has a consequence, your every thought has a consequence'. My craziest smile on, I hold his hand and leave. Relived at the immediate truth of our existence. And the chaos within continues.
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